Here we are at the ass-end of 2024, and I'm writing my final Ask a Hedonist post for the year. Since this is my first full calendar year publishing this newsletter, I've learned something that's both surprised and moved me deeply: people rarely talk about sex and relationships, even among their closest friends. So many readers have shared that they never knew there could be different relationship formats that might actually fit their desires better. They were only taught one path, so they followed it. (I'm mostly talking about the heteros here... queer people already realized society’s scripts were not meant for them). Who knew? I definitely didn't, since my friends talk about raunchy stuff as casually as they debate about where to get dinner. And that’s how I like it.
The responses that keep landing in my inbox, the whispered confessions at parties, the DMs from people I never expected, all tell a similar story. We're all looking for permission to imagine something different. Not because the standard relationship scripts are wrong for everyone, but because they're not right for everyone either. And maybe just seeing a “normal” person (hi!) writing about non-monogamy using their government name makes it feel a little more possible.
What's even more fascinating is the range of people who've become regular readers. I have coworkers (like, really buttoned-up type of coworkers) who read every single post. I’ll find out all the time that random people who only peripherally know me have found their way to my posts. I breadcrumb all the juicy bits on purpose, but I think they’re coming back for more than just the scandalous details.
Mining my life for content and sharing it online has its costs, but if this little writing project is helping even a few people imagine different ways of loving that might actually fulfill them more than society's dusty old scripts, then it's worth it. And apparently it is helping, because somehow I have hundreds (plural!!) of people who open every single email I send.
Speaking of which – if you're one of these beautiful hedonists who's been reading along this whole time, especially if you've consumed most or even every single post, consider becoming a paid subscriber? I'm running a sale right now where you can get in for $50 a year. Or click here to pay $5/month. You'll get my undying appreciation plus access to those ultra-exclusive paid subscriber posts whenever I decide to make those. More importantly, you'll be supporting this space where we can keep having these unfiltered conversations about pleasure, autonomy, and all the ways we can love differently.
2024 was the year polyamory couldn't stop making headlines (at least in my feed). Google searches for "ethical non-monogamy" skyrocketed, and it felt like every week brought some new think piece, book, or show dissecting the whole thing. Yet most of the commentary, especially from people claiming not to care, had this unmistakable air of gawking. I experience this feeling of being gawked at with this newsletter as well, but I guess it comes with the territory. Amidst all the noise, there were a few voices discussing polyamory with actual nuance and open-minded curiosity. Genevieve of Chill Polyamory, and Ebony Hagans of @marjanilane for example, who are examining why this movement towards consensual non-monogamy triggers such visceral cultural responses, and exploring the obvious links between reimagining relationships, community, and capitalism.
What I've learned from your responses to this newsletter this year is that people connect most with when I’m being vulnerable and when I share my own uncertainty. When I write about jealousy, it's not because I've transcended it. I’ve shared that I'm actively figuring out how to learn from it rather than resist it. When I question whether polyamory is just for privileged folks like me, or challenge racial preferences in dating, I'm working through these tensions in real time. I think my best writing comes from exploration, not explanation.
Some poly discourse can veer into sanctimony, and hopefully I don’t do too much of that, but I'm more interested in making space for the contradictions. Some of my audio episodes covered topics like the toxicity of the "one penis policy" to those undefined lowercase 'r' relationships, to being childfree while still playing a caretaker role. Throughout the year, we've examined marriage as the default end goal for romantic relationships, pushed back against the relationship escalator, and talked about "downgrading" relationships to actually make them stronger. None of these conversations came with neat answers – just honest questions about how we might love differently. Do we miss the audio posts btw? Let me know if so!
Most mainstream coverage this year focused on the novelty of non-monogamy – painting it either as some radical new trend or a sign of moral decay. What they missed was the more interesting conversation about why this moment in particular is making people question traditional relationship structures. Between the post-pandemic reshaping of intimacy and the way younger generations are reimagining everything from work to community, it's not surprising people also want to challenge how we love, and also why there’s such emotionally charged pushback to living differently.
What was notably absent from the discourse was any serious examination of power; not just in relationships, but in how society structures intimacy itself. When I wrote about class and polyamory, or racial preferences in dating, or the absurdity of the "one penis policy", I was trying to look at how these power dynamics show up even in supposedly progressive spaces. We can't talk about relationship freedom without talking about who has access to that freedom.
The other missing piece in what I saw this year was the boring but crucial reality of what this actually looks like day to day. Not the salacious bits that make for clickbait headlines, but the practical work of building relationships without a script. Hopefully we see more of that in 2025. In case you missed them or want to revisit, here are some of the ways we explored these themes this year:
Diverging from traditional relationship paths:
Downgrading my relationship upgraded my happiness - De-escalating some of my relationships has saved them
Voice Note: Is the marriage narrative outdated?- questioning the marriage as the end-game narrative that is pushed on us culturally and also by the government
Voice Note: What do we owe our weak tie lovers? - how some of my less defined relationships have left me feeling abandoned at times
Voice Note: Is your soulmate search just self-sabotage? - How people’s fixation on always upgrading and judging potential partners against checklists has paradoxically left us lonelier.
When people think non-monogamy means no feelings:
What do I do with my jealousy?- definitely the number one question I get and one of my most popular posts
Voice Note: When my open relationship was met with closed minds- where I discuss the many assumptions people make based on my relationship status
Dating monogs as a non-monog - navigating relationships with people who've only known monogamy
Power & Privilege:
Is Polyamory just “bourgeois individualism?” - thinking about class privilege while pushing back on critiques made in bad faith
How can people justify racial preferences in dating? - unpacking "preferences" vs prejudice
The popular relationship rule that's actually toxic (OPP) - breaking down male entitlement in open relationships
The latest format for this newsletter has been working well for me, but I’m already thinking of new ways to push things in 2025. To keep things juicy, (and informative) I'm thinking about interviewing people and couples I’m involved with who are questioning relationship norms and creating their own templates. Anyone want to write a guest post? I'm also interested in getting even more personal in these stories, but maybe moving some of that content to paid subscriber-only posts to create a more intimate space for sharing the vulnerable stuff. Having a smaller community of dedicated readers who really get what we're doing here feels important for those deeper conversations.
I'm particularly interested in writing about what's missing from mainstream relationship discourse. And not just writing "how-to" guides and 101-level explainers, but the minutiae and complicated reality of building sustainable relationships outside society's templates. How do we create support systems that don't rely on the nuclear family model? What does commitment look like when we remove all the standard markers of "progress"? And how do we make these conversations accessible to people who might be questioning the standard scripts but don't have access to poly-friendly therapists or accepting communities?
Please tell me what you want to read about in 2025. What topics have I not covered? What questions do you have that you've never asked anyone? Reply to this email, text me if you have my number, or bring it up next time you see me. The best posts often come from your questions anyway.
To everyone who's been reading this year—the sharers, the lurkers, the secret subscribers, thank you for making this first full year of Ask a Hedonist what it is. Your stories and perspectives, whether whispered to me at parties or sent to my inbox, have made this whole oversharing project feel worth it.
Q: What's the most surprising response you've gotten to your newsletter this year?
A: My most surprising response was actually from someone's partner. He insisted he didn’t even know how he found it, but he thinks his partner subscribes and he approached me at a party to tell me how he'd been quietly questioning monogamy for decades but never had the language for it, and probably won’t ever act on this secret desire. He said reading about my experiences made him feel less alone, even though we have totally different life circumstances. It really drove home how many people are privately wondering about different ways to love, even when they might never act on it.
Babygirl (A24 film) - Nicole Kidman plays a tech CEO who starts a BDSM affair with her young intern. Feeld (a dating app I use) and Dipsea (an audio erotica app my friend Faye founded) were a big part of marketing this latest erotic thriller so I had to watch it. It wasn’t kinky enough for me tbh, but it does ask interesting questions about consent, female desire, and sexual liberation. Lou thinks I should write a whole post about it but idk. Did any of you watch it?
Sex and the City (for the first time) - Everyone's shocked I'd never seen it until now, and yeah, a lot of it is problematic and did not age well, but watching four women talk so frankly about sex in 1998 hits different in 2024 when people are still so squeamish and pearl-clutching about the same topics. Also I was told so many times my newly renovated closet looks just like Carrie’s, so I had to see for myself.
Max Read’s 2024: The Year in Weird and Stupid Futures: A great encapsulation of how bizarre 2024 was, chronicling things like AI chatbots having mental breakdowns and robot cars having 4am honking parties in San Francisco. Each month gets progressively more unhinged.
I’m hosting New Year’s at my place this year, and am excitedly in the midst of decorating and planning out the snack situation, which will include a caviar station with tater tots and creme fraiche, and champagne jello shots. We’ll see if I get any good pics of that but for now you can see the little photo corner I set up. Happy New Year!
