#26: How can people justify racial preferences in dating?

It's not random chance these patterns mirror broader systems of privilege and oppression.

“I’ve actually never dated an Asian guy,” my cousin Kathleen tells me from across my kitchen counter, almost proudly, while picking at the remains of our takeout dinner. “They just remind me of our relatives. Also, they’re all so…effeminate.” She says all this with such casual certainty, it alarms me. Before I can process this bomb, she continues “I’m not attracted to Eastern European men either.”

This conversation happened years ago, but I hear some version of people saying they’re not attracted to people of their own heritage very regularly. Often it comes from progressive people, folks who will read about anti-racism and attend protests and somehow don’t see how this sentiment contradicts their own politics. People will often treat these preferences as neutral choices, when really they’re tied to broader systems of power and prejudice that we acknowledge in every other aspect in life but somehow not with dating preferences. How is it that people can declare entire racial groups undateable, and think that’s different from other forms of racial exclusion?

This is from a scene in Love on the Spectrum

Shocked and appalled, I told Kathleen she needed to interrogate her internalized racism and read up on American history, and then I asked her to leave. Later that night, she texted me saying she feels weird about what she said, that maybe she has some racist thoughts she needs to work through, and asked for my reading recommendations again. with hindsight now, I regret that I wrote her off completely, called a friend crying about how I couldn’t believe someone who I respected could be so racist. I didn’t engage her in more dialogue for a long time after that.

I retold this story to Louis last night as I told him about this newsletter topic. As we’re wont to do, we spent the night reading more post-election articles about Trump’s win, and listened to podcast hosts express shock that their progressive messaging hadn’t resonated with working class voters. Louis pointed out that the conversation with my cousin and what’s happening with American politics follows the same pattern— someone expresses problematic views, and instead of meeting them where they’re at, we just shame them and expect them to be better.

Dating multiple people has given me many recent examples of these patterns emerging in real time. I encountered this pattern with a guy I’ve been seeing named Marcel. We were talking about a mutual acquaintance (someone I actively avoid) who’s known for fetishizing Asian women. The guy had apparently commended Marcel on his track record of dating Asian women, which was news to me. When I asked Marcel about it, he got defensive. “I grew up around a lot of Hmong people,” he said, as if that explained why most of the women he’s been seeing are Chinese-American.

I think it’s possible Marcel is inclined toward Asian women without fetishizing them, but my radar really goes off when someone’s dating history makes it seem like they’re seeing people as categories rather than individuals. Are they claiming that the Asian women they’re dating all share some universal quality that make them more attractive than every non-Asian woman? I’ve heard many arguments made to defend people’s dating patterns, but I am very skeptical and icked the fuck out.

I think the selective individuality is what’s most telling. People will judge their preferred race on a case-by-case basis while lumping everyone else together. A few months ago, an Indian-American guy I met at an event told me he categorically does not date Indian women, because they’re “too traditional.” When I pointed out this seemed like a massive generalization, he launched into his defense “Sure, there might be some progressive ones, but it’s not worth the effort of finding them because every Indian woman I’ve met is traditional.” I was surprised by the way he expressed this internalized racism without any self reflection.

The same hetero POC women I talk to who have detailed specifications about which white men they find attractive will dismiss entire continents of men with a single sweep. White people get to be individuals with unique features worthy of consideration, while everyone else is just their race.

Isn’t it interesting how people’s dating patterns often conveniently align with America’s racial hierarchy? The same power structures that determine who gets jobs, who gets loans, who gets arrested show up in people’s “preferences” and who they decide is worthy of their desire. I just refuse to accept that it’s random chance that these patterns mirror broader systems of privilege and oppression. But people speak about their romantic choices as if they exist in a vacuum, untouched by the society that shaped them.

Louis makes an apt point though. Lecturing people about internalized racism and white supremacy is unlikely to change their minds. It’ll only make them defensive and less likely to examine their patterns honestly. I’ve been thinking about this a lot while I think about my own dating preferences. While I date people of many different cultural backgrounds and ages, I definitely tend to date other educated professionals, and people who value health and fitness. I justify these preferences because I view them as based on shared values and not racial stereotypes, but is that just another form of exclusion dressed up in more acceptable language?

We should acknowledge these patterns get complicated because of people’s trauma. Some people avoid dating within their culture because of difficult family dynamics or their past relationships. Other folks want to seek partners from different backgrounds to escape cultural pressures or expectations they've found suffocating. I don’t want to dismiss these real experiences.

But even here, we need to examine our tendency to overgeneralize. When someone says they won't date Arab men because of a traumatic relationship with their father, or avoids Indian women because of family pressure around marriage, they're letting one experience define their view of millions of individuals. Trauma is valid, but using it to justify categorical exclusion of entire racial groups only reinforces the same systems of oppression that likely contributed to that trauma in the first place.

A few weeks ago, I had dinner with Kathleen again. Instead of righteous anger, I tried curiosity. “What is it about all Asian men that remind you of family?” I asked. She had to pause and really think about it. “I guess growing up I only saw Asian men in family contexts, and many of them were toxic. I never saw examples of Asian men in movies or magazines.” We talked about media representation and about how desire is shaped by what we’re shown is desirable, and by the end of dinner, she was the one pointing out problematic patterns in her dating apps’ suggested matches.

This evolution in how we discuss preferences feels particularly relevant now, as we watch Democrats struggle to connect with voters they’ve alienated through esoteric language and occasional condescension. While progressives perfect their vocabulary around systemic oppression, many in their voter base are turning away, feeling like they aren’t being listened to and are instead talked down at.

Can we also talk about mixed-race festishization, which adds another exhausting layer to all this? I often hear people coo about “beautiful mixed babies,” implying a superiority of mixed-race people over mono-racial people, and it’s almost always (though not always) about mixing with whiteness. They talk about the features that will make mixed-race kids prettier that are all thinly veiled code for more European features. The eugenic undertones of these conversations fly over people’s heads.

The internet is particularly toxic when it comes to discourse around interracial dating. Every time an Asian woman posts content with her white partner, there's inevitably a barrage of comments referencing some "Oxford study" about Asian women's dating preferences. Of course these bitter incels should realize it’s this attitude that will never get them laid, but I also think there are some uncomfortable truths they’re pointing to around racial hierarchy in dating. The same systems that hypersexualize Asian women often desexualize Asian men. Consenting adults should date whoever they want, but we can't pretend these patterns exist in a vacuum.

As Trump assembles his cabinet of white supremacists (women and POC can uphold white patriarchy as well) and we watch the Democratic party struggle to connect with voters they’ve alienated, I keep thinking about how these patterns of exclusion and condescension play out in our most intimate spaces. We’re so busy being right that we forget to be effective. We’re so focused on calling out problematic preferences, we forget to understand where they come from.

I hope it’s clear I’m not advocating for policing anyone’s attractions or shaming people for who they choose to date, but I think we should be more curious about what we’ve internalized as “just preferences.” Because individual choices on a macro level contribute to larger systems that determine who gets seen as desirable, who gets humanized, and who gets loved.

I’ve been wanting to write about this topic since I started Ask a Hedonist, but kept backing out because I was worried it was too spicy a take and I don’t want to come off as attacking anyone about their personal choices. But I’ve had so many good conversations about this over the last many months and I felt my thoughts around this taking shape. Thanks to everyone who shared their thoughts and experiences with me, and to Louis, who never lets me get away with sloppy thinking.

This q comes from my cousin.

Q: I grew up in a really toxic environment with my Asian family and now I find myself avoiding dating Asian men. You know how it was firsthand. I know this probably comes from a lot of healing I need to do but is it still wrong?

A: Okay first, I don’t want to minimize how hellish growing up in our oppressive home environment was, and it makes sense that you developed some protective patterns around dating.

But when we write off an entire race of people because of our experiences with a few of them, we're doing some wild math. One toxic Asian ex or one controlling Asian dad isn't representative of literally billions of Asian men. That's like swearing off all restaurants because you got food poisoning one time at one of them.

Maybe instead of "I don't date Asian men" (which, yikes), try "I'm cautious of certain cultural dynamics I've experienced." That leaves room for individual humans to surprise you, while still honoring your need to not repeat toxic patterns. Because believe that there’s toxic men of every cultural background.

I'm not saying you need to force yourself to date anyone. But maybe examine whether you're letting past hurt make your dating pool unnecessarily small. There might be some pretty amazing connections you're missing out on because of defense mechanisms you developed when you needed them but might not anymore.

1. Tony Tulathimutte’s recently published book of linked stories gets into the mind of an incel so well that it made a lot of readers upset. It’s called Rejection and the prose is so good. My favorite example: “He can seldom achieve full erection: his customary ‘dry’ method has lost its efficacy, and male maturbation toys prove ineffective. When he manages to ejaculate it falls out of him like a touchless soap dispenser.” Thanks, Joe for recommending it!

2. I’m halfway through The Penguin series. Colin Farrell’s accent is a bit too put on but it’s nice escapist television with excellent casting.

3. Bit of a stretch calling music content but the song luther (with sza) off Kendrick’s new album is so pretty.

I’ve always wanted to try these petite croissants from L’appartement 4F in Downtown Brooklyn and thanks to my intern I finally got my hands on a box. Each individual croissant is hand rolled. So cute.