#34: Using Feeld, the polyamorous dating app
And a glossary of terms
I met up with a writer friend last week to plan out what I thought would be one post detailing my observations from my time using Feeld, and quickly realized this was going to be a behemoth of a post. I started outlining all the different angles I could take to share my thoughts on this alternative dating app and decided I’d commit to a weekly series throughout April.
I started using Feeld about four years ago, and have used it around the world. In all this time, I’ve never used it as a single person. My profile has always been linked to a partner, and I’ve used it both for dating people one-on-one and for dating other couples as a couple, a dynamic that I’ll dedicate a post to. I have not touched a mono-normative dating app like Hinge or Bumble in many years, and probably would not go back to using them.
What first drew me to Feeld was the ability to have my own individual profile while being linked to my partner’s. The app even allows you to be linked to multiple connections, which reflects the reality of many polyamorous networks or “constellations.” This is essentially a web of people involved in various relationships who are all aware of and consent to each other’s connections. We can date as individuals, as a unit, in multiple configurations and I appreciate that the app is designed to support this rather than treating it as an edge case.
Feeld has tons of flaws, but I find the culture on the app to be refreshing, with people being more straightforward about what they’re looking for than on other apps. I find that people seem to know themselves better, and there’s a lack of judgment about relationship structures that would be ostracized elsewhere. As Emily Witt put it in her New Yorker piece about Feeld, people using the app tend to approach connection with a maturity and decorum that is rare in digital spaces.
I will say though that every since that New Yorker piece came out in 2022 (which was great and captured the essence of what made Feeld special), there’s been a noticeable influx of very green couples and individuals displaying classic newb behavior like unicorn hunting (I talked about why that’s toxic in this post), poor communication skills, or just window shopping to boost their egos without any intention to actually meet. But I guess that’s every dating app. And ultimately everyone starts their journey somewhere and we want to make space for newbies.
I’ll admit to using Feeld as a cultural anthropology tool while traveling. I’ve opened the app in cities across different countries, sometimes only to observe the regional differences in how people present themselves. In Vancouver, seemingly every single profile featured tatted people hiking or rock climbing. Austin, Texas had a higher percentage of people who blurred their faces, which I think is a reflection of the conservative culture that would treat this lifestyle as more taboo than people in bigger cities. When I was in Chile, I learned the word for polyamorous in Spanish is poliamoroso. Amsterdam had the most attractive user base, imo.
In case you’ve never heard of Feeld before this post, it’s a dating app designed for people exploring beyond conventional relationship structures. It’s really different from say, Hinge, which is designed to be deleted because you’ll supposedly find your one true soulmate. Feeld creates a space for non-monogamous folks, the sexually curious, and those of us who don’t fit neatly into standard relationship boxes. Here, you can be upfront about having a partner, where people will understand your hyper specific desires, and where you can explore your sexuality in ways that mainstream platforms don’t celebrate.
The app likes to call itself a “dating app for humans” which is the kind of inclusive language we like. Though if aliens decided to date humans they’d probably try Feeld.
Here are the topics I’m planning to write about in April (the especially personal ones will be for paid subscribers only):
Dating as a duo, and explaining the various dynamics of using Feeld as a partnered unit.
How non-monogamous dating apps operate with a completely different philosophy from mono-normative ones.
Feeld Diaries: an hour by hour chronicle of preparing for and going on a Feeld date (in the style of Refinery29’s Money Diaries or The Cut’s Sex Diaries.)
Feeld archetypes: from Burners to newbies to penthouse owners, there’s a spectrum of the types of people I regularly see on the app.
Glossary
The first thing you notice when setting up a Feeld profile is that you’re asked to choose from what feels like dozens of sexual orientations (but it’s from a list of 20). I feel like I’m steeped in the language of modern relationships but I had to look up what skoliosexual and grayA were. As Emily Witt noted in her New Yorker article, Feeld is unique in how it allows users to "describe a sexual desire in language that won't repel the kind of person you would like to meet,” which is a skill needed in our sexually immature culture. This isn’t meant to be an exhaustive list. I’m just trying to give you a sense of the terminology and the ingroup speak folks on the app are using.
What is Autosexual? Apparently this means being primarily attracted to oneself. Not in a narcissistic way, but genuinely experiencing sexual attraction to your own body and identity.
What does GrayA mean? This is part of the asexuality spectrum where a person occasionally experiences sexual attraction, but it’s rare.
What is Skoliosexual? Attraction specifically to nonbinary, genderqueer, or transgender people.
What does Demisexual mean? Only experiencing sexual attraction after forming an emotional bond. This one I identify with.
Emotional concepts and non-monogamy terms
What is Compersion? I’ve written about this before, but it’s the genuine joy you feel when your partner finds love and connection with someone else. You can feel both jealousy and compersion at the same time.
What is New Relationship Energy (NRE)? This is what it sounds like. It’s the buzzy feeling you get when you make an exciting new connection and you feel a little consumed by these feelings. Polyamorous people gave it a name because they experience it alongside existing relationships and needed language to distinguish it from the deeper, calmer love of established partnerships.
What is a Metamour:? This is your partner's partner, a person with whom you are not directly involved.
What is Kitchen Table Polyamory (KTP)? A dynamic where all partners and metamours are comfortable socializing together. Louis and I try to practice this where our partners feel comfortable, though we’re never forcing it.
What is Parallel Polyamory? Basically not KTP. It’s when metamours know about each other but have minimal contact or involvement.
What is Polysaturation? It’s when someone feels they cannot handle additional relationships. I feel that I hit this point at a very small number, cause I’m busy and picky discerning.
Terms that come up with dating couples
What is Couple’s Privilege? The inherent advantages and power an established couple has when dating others separately or together.
What is a Quad? A relationship involving four people. It’s usually formed when two couples connect. This configuration comes with its own fascinating dynamics that I'll definitely be exploring in next week's post.
What is a Triad? A relationship between three people.
What is a Unicorn? A bisexual person (usually a woman) who is open to meeting and forming a triad with an established couple. They’re called "unicorns" because they're supposedly rare, though at least in NY they don’t feel rare at all.
What is Unicorn Hunting? When a couple searches for a "unicorn," usually with problematic expectations about the third person fitting into their existing relationship without equal say. There are mad couples who are not poly but just use Feeld to unicorn hunt.
Common abbreviations
What does GGG mean? This is a term coined by Dan Savage (who also coined the term monogamish), and stands for "Good, Giving, and Game" – meaning someone who is good in bed, giving with equal time and attention, and game for trying things. I think it should be a given that people are GGG, but some people like calling it out.
What does FWB mean? Friends With Benefits – appears frequently under "Looking for" sections.
What is OPP? One Penis Policy – when a hetero man allows his female partner to only date other women. A red flag!!
What is DADT? Don't Ask, Don't Tell – a relationship agreement where partners don't share details about other connections. To me this is a red flag.
What is a Polycule or Constellation? This isn’t an acronym but it’s common profile terminology. A network of individuals involved in multiple, often overlapping relationships where everyone is aware of and consents to each other's connections.
I could write so much more but that’s just to give you a taste of what it’s like. I thought I knew myself decently well before downloading Feeld, but the last few years has really tested my communication skills and confronted my own socialized assumptions about relationship dynamics.
When I first created my profile I also didn’t expect Feeld to help me understand aspects of myself I never fully explored. Let’s just say that selecting from the 20 sexualities has not been straight forward. In fact it’s been anything but straight. I’ll write more about that but will prob paywall that post.
So next week I’ll dive into the interesting dynamics of dating as a unit, from the challenges of four way chemistry to the many ways it’s strengthened my partnership. Thanks for following along. In the comments please share what terms you’d add to this glossary?
