#33: I asked about non-monogamy judgment & got told to grow thicker skin

Magdalene J. Taylor answered my question, but not in the way I hoped

Hey hedonists! My last post about the male loneliness epidemic and the burden of mankeeping seemed to resonate with a lot of you. Apparently I’m not the only person who’s noticed women showing up to social events way more than men. I got so many responses to post #32, but mostly via email replies, texts, and people bringing it up to me in person, which I love! I’m wondering how to also encourage y’all to post public comments and get a dynamic conversation brewing there.

I think it partially has to do with the fact that a lot of my friends and acquaintances are not substack users and my newsletter is one of the few they subscribe to, so they’re not in the habit of commenting on the platform. But part of me also thinks people are shy to discuss relationship dynamics publicly. I so appreciate all the responses, but I also invite you to comment publicly if you have any responses to this and future posts.

In somewhat exciting news, Magdalene J. Taylor, whose newsletter on sexuality and culture I reference here often, actually picked my question in her recent Q&A. I was excited until I read her response, which like some of her writing, missed the mark for me.

It’s behind a paywall so I’ll post our exchange here:

My question: I've been non-monogamous since I was 20 (am now 33) and believe just as I have multiple friends that I cherish, I do not need to limit myself to one romantic partner. Having multiple partners has enriched my life as well as theirs, and we don't feel suppressed in any way. Even in my open-minded NYC progressive environment, I find that most monogamous people believe it is inherently selfish to be romantically involved with more than one person. How do I understand their point of view, and how do I help explain my own?

Magdalene's response: Selfish is an interesting word choice here. I don't personally find non-monogamy to be selfish at all. In fact, I would probably even describe my own preference for monogamy as something partially selfish, even if from a natural place — I want my partner all to myself. More than that, in order to be non-monogamous and do it well, one must be ultra generous with their time, scheduling and the doling out of boundaries. In a relationship dynamic that involves multiple people, it seems that there's no room for selfishness, at all.

But greediness, that I could see. It might appear to others that non-monogamy is a form of indulgence without limits. And often, this is how non-monogamous people frame their relationships to monogamous people: that non-monogamy is more liberated, freed from the constraints that keep monogamous people down. As non-monogamy has become increasingly normalized over the last several years, there remains this antagonistic attitude, as though the rest of us who want to continue to pursue monogamy are just doing it all wrong. It's here that some of that resentment comes in. While non-monogamous people feel judged for doing something different, monogamous people feel judged for enjoying the norm.

I'm sure in your 13 years of this dynamic, you've experienced some cultural shifts in how the public treats it. I'm sure that will continue, and people will generally become more accepting. For the most part, I think that not giving a fuck is a crucial part of being non-monogamous. You can't really expect to get away with dating multiple people and caring a lot about what other people think. If you're going to free yourself from the restrictions of monogamy, free yourself from the opinions other people have about that, too. Lastly, I appreciate that you want to understand other people's viewpoints. The more you try to empathize with monogamous people about what they're after, the more I think they'll empathize right back.

Wow that was an incredibly unsatisfying response to read. I appreciate her starting with saying non-monogamy isn’t selfish but then I felt a pit in my stomach when I read “but greediness, that I could see.” Hmmmm

I re-read it a few times and grew increasingly frustrated. I wasn’t asking to grow a thicker skin nor was I seeking validation that non-monogamy can be done ethically. I was genuinely trying to understand why even in progressive and open-minded spaces, people still view non-monogamy with so much suspicion and judgment.

Her suggesting I should simply “not give a fuck” about other people’s opinions feels like the equivalent of telling someone with depression to just be happy. Thanks, I’m cured! As though I could simply not care about societal stigma, legal discrimination, and being constantly misunderstood.

I mean I largely don’t give a fuck, but the judgment does have real world consequences. When my partner can’t visit me in the hospital because they’re not my primary, or they can’t get health insurance through me because we aren’t married. When family excludes my partners from gatherings because they don’t see my other partnerships as legitimate. It’s not just the fact that I’m sad about it, it’s also about the structural disadvantages built into our society.

I think the weirdest part was her claim that monogamous people feel judged by non-monogamous people. Okay, certainly there are the folks who prosthelytize and shame monogs for not being enlightened enough, but is she saying that the relationship style that is backed by every law, tax benefit, TV show, movie, song, is judged by the minority that constantly has to explain what their relationship structure even means? That’s like billionaires feeling oppressed by a minimum wage workers’ mean tweets about their financial privilege.

It’s a false equivalency that ignores the power dynamics at play. I know that some non-monogamous people can be preachy, just like Apple users or some vegans (any group that has evangelists), but there’s a huge difference between a mono person feeling temporarily uncomfortable because someone questioned relationship norms and a poly person being denied basic recognition and rights.

I was amused by this part: “the more you try to empathize with monogamous people about what they're after, the more I think they'll empathize right back.” My dear, I’ve had monogamous culture shoved down my throat my entire life. I’ve watched endless movies and listened to songs where finding “the One” is the ultimate goal (I like a lot of this music and these movies tbf). I’ve attended countless monogamous weddings and have (happily!) listened to monogamous friends talk about their relationships for decades. I’m pretty sure I understand the monogamous viewpoint. It’s literally the default.

What I was really asking for was insight into how to breakthrough that initial reflexive judgment I’m always receiving. Not just for my own benefit, but because I believe our culture would be healthier if we examined why we hold certain relationship structures as the only valid ones. Why is it people assume that loving multiple people means loving each person less? why do we equate exclusivity with commitment? Why are people chill having multiple close friendships but balk at having multiple lovers as inherently greedy? I think these questions are worth exploring and not just dismissing with simply not caring what people think.

Today I came across this post on IG where a comedian jokes “You are not poly, you are a man in your 30s rebranding your ho phase as something intellectual.”

I guess it’s funny?— yes there are guys who discover polyamory right around the time it becomes convenient for them to have multiple casual flings without having to develop emotional intelligence. But the comments is where I can study how people really feel…

"You are not poly, you have attachment issues with someone you are no longer attracted to."

"Every poly person I met 1) is highly confused on what they want 2) doesn't understand boundaries 3) wants all the benefits of monogamy, a spouse, children, etc without wanting to fully commit 4) gas lights me for not wanting to sleep around with multiple people"

"No such thing as poly, they're all the same"

Just going back to a point I make over and over here. People can have so many bad experiences in monogamy but won’t declare the entire relationship format problematic, but will meet someone who is being unethical or careless in non-monogamy and will say the entire relationship format is to blame. It sounds like eating at one bad Italian restaurant and then saying all pasta is garbage and Italians are confused about food.

It’s really hard to have nuanced public conversations about alternative relationship structures because people really have this reflexive defensiveness when non-monogamy enters the chat. I think the girls especially are collectively traumatized by toxic men, so I get it.

It also stems from how deeply cultural narratives about love and commitment are connected to exclusivity. So when someone practices a different relationship style, it challenges the foundations many people have built their lives around. For some people, they don’t see poly people just preferring a different approach, they take it as a challenge to their entire understanding of what relationships are supposed to be.

I don’t actually want to pit monogamy and nonmonogamy against each other. I just want both to exist among many other ways to live, and I don’t want anyone to suffer for whom they love, whether mono or poly. One relationship format is not necessarily better or more enlightened and I don’t want to convert anyone. The goal is just to expand our collective understanding of the many ways we can form meaningful connections.

I'd love to hear your thoughts on this. Have you faced judgment for your relationship choices? How do you navigate explaining non-traditional relationships to those who don't get it? Post a comment below (this is me encouraging public conversation) or reply to this post via email if you prefer the privacy.

I recently got back from traveling through Chile and I didn’t collect questions or content so I’m going to skip the other two sections and go straight to food. Here are some highlights from my meal at Boragó, #29 on the World’s 50 Best Restaurants list. The 16-course menu is all about showcasing native Chilean produce like Juan Fernandez archipelago lobster, chilean sea bass from Easter Island, and rain water from Patagonia.

This was a drink. Peep the Andes mountains behind me.

The spoon being made of shell is so precious

Some kind of snail