#3: You probably don't need to open your relationship

Not before doing the hard work first

As I’ve worked to destigmatize non-monogamy in my social circles, people generally fall into one of the following camps:

“Open relationships sound great in theory, but I could never do it in practice.” or

“Why even be in a relationship if you’re going to sleep around?” or

“I really want to be in an open relationship, but my partner would be so upset if I even brought up the topic.”

In my conversations with the latter group, I’ve come to view this sentiment with some suspicion. While this common dynamic (in a 2 person relationship) in which one partner wants the freedom to have additional lovers and the other does not isn’t inherently concerning, many see non-monogamy as the magic salve for their relationship wounds. Just as having a kid won’t save a relationship already on precarious ground, having a side boo won’t fix issues within a relationship either.

Shout out to Louis for ideating this meme with me.

I never want to come across as prescriptive. Consenting adults should decide for themselves what relationship structures work for them, and I never mean to suggest non-monogamy is superior. I’m also not trying to gatekeep non-monogamy; I want to help the many people who feel suffocated by or lost in heteronormative practices (read my first post where I write about this). A poll of 1,300 US adults conducted by YouGov found that 43% of millennial Americans say their ideal relationship is non-monogamous, even if few are in such a relationship (The rate was 32% for US adults in general). The data supports at least thinking outside strict monogamy as the only legitimate relationship structure. The conversations I have with so many people unhappy in their relationships expound on this friction. Again, I’m not saying everyone who’s having relationship problems should be polyamorous— I just think unlearning monogamous conditioning (possessiveness), addressing jealousy and being way more honest with themselves and their partners can help people feel more at peace.

A common reason people seek out non-monogamy in a currently closed relationship is because they’re struggling with different sexual desires with their partner. Often their partner is unwilling to communicate about this conflict at all, and the problems fester from there. Every relationship has unique needs, but I’d posit that non-monogamy—which requires an incredible amount of communication, trust, and security to work— would only bring those problems to the surface and possibly end the relationship rather than help it. I’m suspicious when someone doesn’t want to work on helping their partner feel safe to open up to them before considering non-monogamy. I’m suspicious when someone doesn’t address how their partner might be feeling unheard or unseen before considering non-monogamy. It’s a red flag when someone suggests (without their partner’s input) they be non-monogamous while their partner should only be with them. It sounds ridiculous, but this sentiment is incredibly common, as is straight up infidelity.

Let’s talk a little about infidelity. It’s not a single, clearly defined act because it depends on the boundaries of each relationship, but it is a betrayal of those boundaries. It can happen in non-monogamous relationships too, which I’ll write about in future posts. It can cause devastating emotional damage and is a very unethical way to act out in response to strains in a partnership yet it’s exceptionally common. Famous psychotherapist Esther Perel suggests acknowledging temptation is one way to protect against infidelity in her book Mating in Captivity. I don’t agree with all the points made in the book, but I think it’s still worth a read and she’s onto something there. In so many monogamous relationships, people are supposed to cease expressing any ounce of desire outside of their relationship. We have to know it’s unnatural to never lust for or fantasize about another human ever again once you’re in a relationship, right? Monogs (lol sorry) aren’t even allowed to appreciate someone else’s beauty or character lest they be berated by their partner. By suppressing your partner’s expression for very natural desires, you are asking them to censor large parts of their humanity around you, which is a missed opportunity to know your partner more intimately. It’s also bizarre that it’s socially acceptable to police your partner’s thoughts, feelings and the content they consume. We should allow our partners to be their full selves around us, not only because we’re autonomous individuals, but also because it will allow us to understand them better. It can also be really hot and fun to playfully express excitement for another person to your partner, but that is for another post.

Maybe you’re asking “But Morlene… acting in this way would surface a ton of insecurity and jealousy that my partner and I have yet to reckon with!!” Yeah, probably. People in the ~lifestyle~ as we sometimes call it, view jealousy not as an emotion to avoid at all costs, but as something that can teach you something about yourself. Instead of using jealousy to control someone, you can let it guide you toward empathy, open communication, and introspection. You can try to follow some of your innate fears to their logical extreme. For example:

“I’m afraid if my partner has lunch 1:1 with their attractive coworker, they’ll fall in love and leave me.”

You can consider the likelihood of that coming to pass, and if it’s highly likely you may have larger problems in your relationship. If not, you can take the jealous and fear based feelings that arise from it and bring them up to your partner. Talk about ways your partner can act or communicate to mitigate these fears. It’s helpful to familiarize yourself with attachment styles, which are patterns of bonding that people learn as children and carry into their adult relationships. Yet another topic for a future post! Feeling safe in your relationship to explore jealousy without fear of judgment while unpacking toxic aspects of compulsory monogamy culture is healthy and will help you grow closer to your partner(s).

Whether or not you want to pursue non-monogamy, constant negotiations, empathy, communication, and introspection are required for a relationship to thrive. It’s work! We should stop following templates for what we’re told a relationship should look like, and let go of any parts that aren’t serving us. Many people find it challenging adhering to expectations of lifelong monogamy and I suspect it’s not always because having one partner is so hard, but because all the little performances of perpetual fidelity to one (like never flirting with another person again) suffocates a person. It’s suffocating because it contradicts normal human desires and yet even suggesting non-monogamy as a feasible alternative is verboten. This is why I’m writing this newsletter. I hope I’ve helped you see some of these topics in a new way, and I’d love to hear your thoughts in the comments.

In future posts, I’ll write about how I define loyalty in my consensually non-monogamous relationships, how I manage time and jealousy, and more. I also want to write about food, 2nd gen immigrant experiences, and how Eurocentric beauty standards fucks us all, but the poly topics have been resonating with people a lot! Thanks as always for reading <3.