#1: Consensual non-monogamy 101 for the straights

The alternative relationship format I’ve been practicing for the last 12 years is called consensual non-monogamy (CNM), also known as ethical non-monogamy (ENM). In case you’re unfamiliar, CNM is an umbrella term for relationships in which partners give explicit consent to engage in romantic or physical relationships with multiple people. Polyamory, open relationships, and swinging are types of relationships that fall under this umbrella. It’s a common practice in queer and gay communities, but the heteronormative world I come into contact with on a daily basis is often confounded by this lifestyle choice. What I want more than anything is to make sex and alt relationships less taboo, because all this repression in our culture isn’t cute. I’ll plan to write about CNM in this newsletter, but also other topics that take up so much of my headspace, like beauty standards and the politics of food. I’ll start this first post addressing CNM.

Going public about practicing consensual non-monogamy comes with all sorts of quandaries. Even in my leftist New York City bubble, I am faced with constantly defending it as a sound choice. Some people wholly reject it prima facie because the very existence of CNM relationships threatens something they find sacred, or they write it off as something that could never work. To them, it’s just a hedonistic, temporal choice that is doomed to fail.

I am in favor of healthy debate, and I enjoy fielding questions about jealousy, boundaries, intimacy, time management, and safety, which I’ll write more about in future posts. I wish though, that more people would realize their worldview is not the only one, and there are infinite ways to find human connection, love, and fulfillment— even if it’s not a choice they would make for themselves.

More people are coming around to the notion that romantic relationships don’t need to take precedence over platonic ones, and that different people fill your cup in various ways. If we can allow for the possibility of platonic friends bringing as much meaning to your life as romantic partners, maybe we can start to grasp how you can have love and lust for more than one person. Multiple books explore reimagining life with friendships at the center, like The Other Significant Others and Big Friendship and the popular Atlantic article What if Friendship, Not Marriage, Was at the Center of Life? For many people this is not the biggest leap to make. What confounds most people is the idea you could have multiple, long standing sexual and romantic engagements that all follow a moral code and exist harmoniously.

This confusion is understandable since most of us were conditioned to understand relationships that follow a hetero-normative escalator model. Casual dating leads to defining the relationship and exclusivity, then co-habitation, and marriage, and till death do us part. My partner Louis had a conversation with someone recently that perfectly captures this sentiment.

(Other person): “So you and Morlene have been together 7 years. When are you planning to pop the question?”

Louis: “Oh marriage is not something we’re interested in.”

(Other person): “Okay so it’s not serious.”

Louis: “Actually it’s plenty ‘serious,’ as in we’re long term partners committed to each other’s happiness. We just don’t follow the trappings of a traditional relationship.”

(Other person): “Oh sure, sure. I’m just saying it’s not progressing.”

Louis stopped there because it was clear this person couldn’t fathom a reality outside the one he’s been taught. We have some version of this conversation several times a week.

We have such a long way to go on this topic, as even celebrities —who I think live in a way that is quite conducive to non-monogamy—have to fight critics who say their relationship boundaries are just a creative way to have an affair. Will Smith and Jada Pinkett Smith have to explain over and over again that her relationship with August Alsina happened while she was married to Will Smith but it wasn’t a transgression. I’ve met plenty of people who purport to be on board with CNM as a legitimate lifestyle choice, but will point to people being upfront about having a romantic partner who is aware of their dating pursuits and still call it cheating.

While it can get exhausting constantly explaining the intimate details of my life while I unpack it in real time, I think most people are asking questions without malintent, but with genuine curiosity. Many people want to envision a reality for themselves beyond the heteronormative escalator model. So instead of calling people out, consider this a call in. My views on this topic are constantly evolving, and I invite anyone with good faith questions and thoughts to probe. The comments are open if you want to start this discussion with me. Subscribe so future posts land in your email inbox!