#38: Seen this couple on Feeld before
A slightly snarky tour through Feeld archetypes
For my final post in this Feeld series, I’m creating this taxonomy of the archetypes anyone would inevitably encounter while in this alternative dating ecosystem. Across different cities and countries, the same personalities & dynamics exist and I’ve developed an ability to spot these within seconds of viewing their profiles.
After years of swiping, patterns inevitably emerge with clarity, and this feels so clinical to say but there really is an anthropological consistency to how people present themselves in these spaces. I don’t want to mock anyone so you’ll see me trying my best to use kind to neutral-ish language. Note that I’m dating as a person paired currently with just one other person mostly dating people who are paired with at least one or more other people, so the following examples are limited to the realm of my dating experience.
The Reluctant Hostage Situation
You’ll see a lot of couples where one person is blazing enthusiastically into non-monogamy while their partner is standing at the edge of the pool with their arms crossed, refusing to even dip a toe in. Super not fun to be on a date with a couple with this dynamic. We met with one couple where one partner said they were “chaperoning” their partner on the date. The profiles of these couples often tell the whole story: one is thoughtfully constructed with carefully chosen photos, clearly labeled desires, and actual personality indicators. The other will typically have a single photo where their face is obscured and maybe their profile will even say “here because [partner’s name] wanted to try this. 😬
You can sometimes suss this out in the group chat or when one partner (often male) requests to only speak to me 1:1. There is an exhausting subset of these situations where the man is playing a longer, more devious game where he knows his reluctant partner will eventually bow out entirely, which he counts on. His actual goal is to match with women like me who would never have swiped yes on his profile as a solo player. It’s a dating bait & switch, where you advertise the couple experience but deliver the solo mediocre man. Dude might start out by messaging me separately instead of in the group chat, where he’ll mention that his partner might not be able to meet up for the first meeting, and then straight up asks if I’d ever consider hanging out just the two of us. If I wanted to date a single guy, I would’ve matched with one. There are plenty available without this theatrical production.
The Cultural Tourists
Whenever non-monogamy gets mainstream media coverage, like that big New Yorker article from a couple of years back, Feeld will see a flood of what we might call “cultural tourists”. They’re couples who read about ENM over brunch and think “let’s try that” without thinking about what “that” really entails.
Their profiles usually have qualifiers like “just exploring what’s out there,” “curious but not sure,” or just nothing. And to be clear, everyone starts somewhere, as I did myself, but the difference between newcomers and cultural tourists is intention. Newcomers might be shy but open to actual dating experiences, while tourists are just collecting stories for their next dinner party. I’ve written before about a couple who admitted on the date we were on that they intended to remain monogamous but wanted to go on this date to keep things spicy between them and to study what the experience could be like. I did not appreciate being treated like a reference book. I exited that date as soon as I could.
I've met plenty of newbies who started cautiously but approached with genuine curiosity and respect, who have eventually become some of my most meaningful connections. The key difference is that they were honest about their inexperience but showed up with actual interest in connecting, not just observing from behind a protective glass wall.
The CTRL+C, CTRL+V Lovers
Some couples evidently believe more in efficiency over individuality. They’ll just copy and paste the exact same text and desires and even the same damn photos to both their profiles. I think it speaks to a lack of imagination and effort to just write one bio and call it a day. Maybe I sound strict, but I think since you are separate people with presumably separate personalities and desires, you should show us those differences. I think one of the main driving forces of non-monogamy is to embrace the complexity and multiplicity of human connection, so why would you present yourselves as a boring monolith?
The most egregious offenders use what I’ve come to recognize as The Template™ where they’ll say almost verbatim “Looking to meet open minded individuals with similar values.” Oh you don’t say? Which values and open-minded about what? Why not just say “I enjoy breathing oxygen and consuming nutrients.” Just go on and give me absolutely nothing. How devastating.
Sometimes you’ll see in real time that the people who have their profiles linked to each other have not had a meaningful conversation about what they actually wanted from this. I asked one such couple if they discussed this before making their profiles, which was met with silence followed by them unmatching. Oops.
The Therapy-speak Bros
There are the men who have consumed enough therapy related content and relationship podcasts that they’ll start to weaponize therapy-speak to sound emotionally evolved without doing any of the work.
They may reference love languages, attachment styles, and emotional labor but not demonstrate any of the self-awareness these concepts require. To be fair people do exist on a spectrum and some make a genuine effort to understand these concepts and apply them. Perhaps they have even been in therapy and have learned some tools to emotionally regulate. Based on the endless stories we hear from women, many well intentioned men still backslide into misogynistic patterns the moment they don’t get what they want. One guy told my friend his inability to plan dates more than two hours in advance was to “honor his introvert needs” rather than, you know, keeping his options open until the last minute. It’s also a tell if he describes all his exes as “unhealed” while positioning himself as an enlightened person. If they use the phrase “doing the work” more than once in conversation, run.
The Aesthetic Auditors
One thing you hear a lot from both people within and outside the community is an obsession over perceived attractiveness disparities between partners. “Why is it always that the baddest women are with men who look like ogres?” or the reverse, though less commonly discussed. I think this fixation is weird and mostly reveals something about the observer’s values. Beauty standards are made up and constantly shifting goal posts. Physical attraction is just one element in the complex reaction that draws people together and what looks like a mismatch to some Feeld voyeur might be a partnership build on intellectual connection, great sexual chemistry, or the ability to make each other laugh.
The beauty gap discourse is just another way people try to make sense of attraction by reducing it to a simplistic equation.
The Actually Wonderful People
After all this snark, I do have to acknowledge that the app has connected me with so many thoughtful, communicative people who know themselves, respect others, approach connections with honesty and care, and are also hot. They have distinct profiles that complement their different partners’ profiles, their messages show genuine interest, and they respect boundaries while being clear about their own.
These rarities make wading through this sea of archetypes worthwhile, and these amazing people have become friends and lovers and even people who do things like help us build a website or give us financial advice or make a professional introduction. The beauty of this universe is that beneath these predictable patterns are unpredictable humans. The archetypes are just the starting point. It’s the exceptions that keep me using the app after so many years.
There are many more archetypes I didn’t get into in this post, like people who go to Burning Man, unicorn hunters, nerds with a freaky side. And what archetype do I fit into? Probably someone who’s written way too much in their profile. You get away with a lot when you’re cute 🫷🏽 🙂↕️🫸🏽
What archetypes have you encountered? Which one were you when you started? I'd love to hear your experiences in the comments.