#37: Feeld date diaries
An hour by hour account of getting ready for a date night
If you've ever read Sex Diaries in The Cut or Money Diaries in Refinery29, you've been a voyeur to someone’s hour by hour decision making. Here’s my version of me and my partner’s most recent four person date, for all you sickos. Every little detail is real, from us strategizing about the best pre-date meal to us abandoning ship for a warehouse dance floor with our friends.
6:00 p.m. My phone buzzes. Louis: "Just ended my last work call, heading your way. Did we pick a spot for them to meet us at?" It’s been many, many months since our last Feeld date and we’re breaking this drought with a new couple we've been messaging with for about a week. Their photos aren't giving "immediate attraction" but we were tired of swiping past 99% of the profiles we saw and they looked fun. Plus, their texts were smart and flirty. I'm trying not to compare them to the couple we had great chemistry with last year before they moved to Seattle. We're always chasing that high of a perfect four-way connection.
6:45 p.m. Louis arrives with wine for our pre-date rituals. We pull up the couple's profile on my phone and start our reconnaissance. "So they've never done this before," I say, scrolling through their pics again to see if I missed any hidden sexiness. "Aww, remember when WE were the nervous first-timers? Now newbies look to us for guidance. As if we know anything…” For every great connection, there have been a dozen bizarre occurrences, and they don’t even feel like disasters in the moment because dating as a couple means we always have someone to turn to and be like “yo did you hear/see that shit?”
7:00 p.m. I start making pasta because we always drink so much from nervousness and don’t want to drink on empty stomachs. "So what are you hoping happens tonight?" Lou asks while I prepare a simple, sauce with NO garlic or onions (the cardinal rule of pre-date meals: nothing that lingers on your breath). I shrug. "Hoping they're better looking in person and at least one of them knows how to make good eye contact." Louis nods. "The chemistry roulette continues. Set measured expectations." We've found that if someone has swaggu it can transform how attracted you are to them, so we don’t want to rule them out just based bad angles and lighting in their pics.
7:15 p.m. All our pre-date meals are strategic. We always eat something substantial enough to absorb alcohol but deliberately light enough that we're ready for anything physical later. Can’t eat so much it puts us to sleep, can’t have any lingering smells, and nothing experimental. Just some pasta."Remember the couple who ordered TRIPE on our first date while we ordered a fruit plate?" I cackle. "Should've known then they weren't planning on kissing anyone that night."
7:15 p.m. Dinner conversation naturally turns to tonight's boundaries, which has become our pre-date ritual. "So many couples seem chatty on the app, but are incredibly shy in person" I tell Louis. "I’m cool to steer the conversation, but I really can’t deal if they’re not returning the same energy." He nods. "I'll follow your lead. If you give me the eyes, we'll bail." We clean the apartment because we’re always holding out hope. "Remember that couple with the penthouse?" Louis asks, referring to one of our best connections ever. "Too bad they ghosted right after inviting us to party with them in Ibiza.” They were really experienced, which we liked. But lightning rarely strikes twice.
7:30 p.m. Dinner's done and it's time to get ready. One of my favorite things about dating as a duo is this pre-date ritual. When we go on separate 1:1 dates, Louis says he’ll often think about me getting ready across town, imagining me picking out the right outfit, fixing my hair. There's something thrilling about knowing your partner is somewhere else, preparing to be their most attractive self for someone new. But getting ready together is special in its own way because you can see it for yourself.
7:40 p.m. I step out of the bathroom in my chosen outfit. I don’t want to look like I’m trying too hard, but I also like to stunt. Louis always gives me a slow up-and-down look and says "It's literally not fair to the rest of the world how fine you are." Having your partner hype you up before a date with others is another one of non-monogamy's underrated perks. It’s really fun to see your partner through fresh eyes.
7:55 p.m. Both me and Louis’ phones light up. The friend group chat is abuzz asking us to join them at a warehouse party in Bushwick later. I file away this potential escape hatch. Louis catches me mid-scheming. "We have other plans. You’re already planning our getaway?" he asks. "It's called having a contingency plan, and yes, of course."
8:20 p.m. We arrive at the bar, cozy enough but not so small that anyone can overhear our conversations about the lifestyle. I’m always careful about choosing places with enough ambient noise to mask conversations but not so loud you can't hear each other. While we wait, I find myself thinking about that couple from last summer—the ones where the chemistry was so great we closed down three bars flirting and still didn't want the night to end. That's the gold standard we're measuring against, even if it's unfair to tonight's prospects.
8:37 p.m. They show up soon after and we hug each person to greet, strangers anticipating potential intimacy. First impression: they look like their photos, which isn't necessarily a good thing. But they seem nice! Turns out we're all native Brooklynites and immediately launch into the "Ohhhh where in Brooklyn though? You got a driver’s license?" convo. Native New Yorkers simply cannot help themselves.
9:18 p.m. The nervous energy is emanating off them. I clock that he's letting her do 95% of the talking, which is refreshing in theory but... I’m waiting for his personality to shine through. I catch Louis giving me our special "are you getting any vibes at all?" eyebrow raise. I respond with my "working on it!!" half smile. Meanwhile, my phone is going off with notifications from the Bushwick crew. The FOMO grows stronger with each vibration.
10:33 p.m. We've relocated to bar #2 because movement creates the illusion of progress. We order fries, just for something to nosh on while we figure out if we're into each other." Louis is doing his communication coach thing, asking perfect questions to stoke some exciting responses out of them. The conversation has turned to feelings about non-monogamy, boundaries, fantasies—all the standard Feeld date checkboxes. We're all philosophically and politically aligned, great! Turns out you can agree on relationship theory and still have the sexual chemistry of a business meeting.
11:12 p.m. The woman, Louis, and I are valiantly attempting to inject some flirty energy. The boyfriend finally admits he wants to flirt but is "just nervous." I want more from him and consider telling him, but think I’m too buzzed to handle it delicately. My phone is vibrating with updates from our friends but I don’t look and try to stay present. Louis catches my "I would rather be literally anywhere else" face but gives me his "just 15 more minutes of curiosity" eyes. His whole "stay interested not interesting" philosophy has led to some epic nights... but my optimism is waning.
11:47 p.m. After Louis's hand squeeze (our signal for "one last attempt"), I suggest dancing because when words fail, maybe bodies can communicate? Everyone enthusiastically agrees because we're all tipsy enough that it seems like a genius idea.
12:22 a.m. The dance gods are not on our side. The dancey bar I hyped us up to go to has no DJ tonight and the floor has the energy of an Applebee’s in the suburbs. The woman senses our waning interest and starts grinding on both of us while her boyfriend watches with the expression of someone waiting for a delayed subway. He seems to want to join in but his shyness won’t allow him to. I’m internally screaming.
1:35 a.m. Divine intervention arrives in the form of an Uber XL to Bushwick. As we say our goodbyes we tell them we had sooo much fun, but I wonder how convincingly. In the car Louis whispers, "Should we have invited them?" I just say “ahhh no.” "Some chemistry deficits can't be fixed with politeness. Or tequila. Or grinding.
2:05 a.m. We FINALLY reach the warehouse, fashionably late and perfectly tipsy. Our friends engulf us in sweaty hugs. "THE DATE?" they scream over bass that's thrums through my head and chest. Louis and I smile and say "they were nice!" Everyone knows “nice” is the kiss of death. Our friends always crave the juicy stories and like to live vicariously through them. But they also know that if the night had gone well, we wouldn't be here with them right now. We'd be entangled with our new connection somewhere across Brooklyn, not dancing in this warehouse. We throw our shoulders into every drop, the disappointment already transforming into just another memory, one that would easily be forgotten if not for this here Ask a Hedonist post. You’re welcome!!
So, in many ways a four way date is just like any date. You flirt, you realize you’re not compatible, you spend hours with your date(s) at multiple bars until you finally make an excuse to leave to dance with your friends instead.
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