#35: Feeld Series, dating as a duo

my first post with a paywall

My stomach has been churning even more than usual from the news lately. Many of you are likely also experiencing this persistent sense of dread, and I hope you’re all taking care of yourselves right now during this rough ride. I will say a bright spot that’s giving me hope is nyc mayoral candidate Zohran Mamdani, a democratic socialist who beat the entire democratic primary field in his first filing period and has over 17,000 contributors, which equals millions in matching funds. Some recent polls have him in 2nd place among the 11+ candidates. Here's a link to his platform and upcoming volunteer events if you're interested.

Posting here feels a little weird while I navigate this balance of existential dread while also finding a lot of hedonism and escapist joys in my day to day life. I’ve been getting really wonderful feedback about these posts though, and you can make an argument for why we need our moments of escape and connection especially now. As promised in last week’s glossary post, today I’ll write about the dynamics of dating as a duo via Feeld. I feel like this is pretty complicated to explain— non-monogamy 2.0, if you will— so bear with me.

Because some of this info feels pretty private, and to protect the privacy of others, I’ll keep some content behind a paywall. The majority of this post will remain freely accessible though. No pressure to upgrade, but if you’ve been reading every post, finding value in what you’re learning, and you have the resources to support my work, the $8/month subscription is genuinely appreciated.

The Garden of Earthly Delights Triptych felt like an appropriate, bacchanalia type of image to use here.

We’re not unicorn hunting

First I want to emphasize there’s a huge difference between “unicorn hunters” and couples who date other couples. As I’ve explained before, unicorn hunters are heterosexual couples (usually it’s a bi-woman and straight man) searching for a bi-woman who will join their threesome with no emotional attachment and will disappear afterward. You can easily identify unicorn hunters on Feeld, which I’ll get to later in this post.

I’m here to write about a very different dynamic, and I think dating as a duo is much more nuanced and interesting than what unicorn hunters are doing. I see me and my partner as two individuals who each have our own attractions, preferences, and boundaries. We're not looking for a third person to objectify or treat as an accessory to our relationship; we're seeking genuine connections with other couples who are similarly approaching dating as a unit while honoring everyone's individuality.

This distinction matters because it fundamentally changes the power dynamics and expectations. When four people meet as two couples, there's a symmetry that creates more space for everyone to feel seen and valued. No one person is being "added" to an existing dynamic. We're all creating something new together.

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Two singles meeting is pretty straightforward. There’s either a mutual attraction or there’s not. When a couple meets another couple, there are a lot of different potential connections.

• Person A from Couple 1 vibes with Person A from Couple 2

• Person A from Couple 1 vibes with Person B from Couple 2

• Person B from Couple 1 vibes with Person A from Couple 2

• Person B from Couple 1 vibes with Person B from Couple 2

And even beyond this there’s the group dynamic to consider too.

• Couple 1 as a unit vibes with Couple 2 as a unit (this I guess is my unicorn)

• Person A from Couple 1 vibes with both people from Couple 2 while Person B does not (three-way chemistry)

• Person B from Couple 1 vibes with both people from Couple 2 while Person A in Couple 1 does not (another three-way dynamic)

It’s a somewhat rare thing I’m after, but it is really cool when both couples really click. It’s not just that each person likes the others individually, but that collectively you have a new chemistry you’ve created that’s more than the sum of its parts. Louis and I have an established dynamic and rhythm, and when we meet another couple, we’re inviting them into our energy while also being welcomed into theirs. It’s not tooo dissimilar from group friendship dynamics, where sometimes a group of four friends gets along in a way that is better and/or different from the individual connections in the group.

Feeld has features that help navigate this complexity. When you’re looking at another couple’s profile, you see not just their linked status (who they’re partnered with) but also their individual desires that they’ve listed. This helps a person gauge potential compatibility before even starting a conversation. Sometimes we’ll come across a couple where one person has selected “kink” as a desire where the other hasn’t, or where one lists “meaningful conversations” while the other has “choking” lol. All these subtle clues can help us anticipate if there’s going to be chemistry or an imbalance of it.

"Dance" by Henri Matisse or this could be us but you playin.

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Just like with monogamous dating, I go through many, many mediocre dates with terrible chemistry in fourway dating, and communicating with my partner on the date is crucial. While we, like most couples in the lifestyle, have developed our own system for sending subtle cues, there’s also a culture of transparency and just stating your feelings. Still, we want to be kind.

I have absolutely no poker face, which actually works to our advantage. If I’m having a bad time, literally everyone will see it on my face. The same goes for the genuine smile that reaches my eyes when I’m enjoying someone’s company. When it’s not so clear, we'll take a strategic bathroom break or a “let me grab more drinks” moment to quickly text each other.

one thing about me, I really don’t like meekness

We’ve spoken to other couples in the lifestyle who have their own shorthand, or a physical signal like a shoulder tap or something.

I think early on when we were first trying fourway dating we had a “unless it’s a total trainwreck let’s just keep going and see what happens!” attitude, but I have become eons more sagacious with age and time. So while we used to assume the other always wants to move the date forward, we’ve gotten more strategic about texting or giving each other a pointed look during the date.

The most important thing we've learned is to create space for uncertainty. On one date, after getting ice cream by the Williamsburg waterfront with a couple we'd been chatting with for weeks on Feeld, they asked if we wanted to continue the date at their place. Both Louis and I were genuinely on the fence. I was getting slightly uncomfortable vibes from the woman while Louis was unsure about the overall dynamic.

Instead of forcing a yes or no, we just said, "We're not completely sure yet." The guy was super chill: "Totally understandable. Why don't you two take a moment to chat privately?" That respect for the complexity of four-way dynamics and the emphasis on enthusiastic consent is what makes these interactions work when they're done right.

We've established some firm rules for ourselves for Feeld dates:

1. We check in with each other frequently during an encounter

2. We have a debrief afterward, going over what was fun and what was less so

3. We're always honest with the other couple about our interest level

With that last rule we’ve been on both sides of it. We’ve had couples both on Feeld and in person tell us they were only interested in one of us, and we’ve also had to gently let couples know the chemistry isn’t there for everyone involved. I’ve also just ended up going on subsequent solo dates with one half of the couple we had met on a group date. It’s not as awkward as you might fear, and it’s much better than setting false expectations.

It’s really interesting to reflect on the connections we’ve made on Feeld and how they often evolve beyond the app. Some couples we've met have become friends we see regularly, with or without any romantic component. Others remain purely dating connections. In my experience, non-monogamous (and queer) folks are flexible and allow relationships to find their natural level rather than forcing them into a predetermined structure.

The horror stories

Not every couple we've met on Feeld has been emotionally mature and communicative. We've encountered some truly bewildering situations:

Beyond the paywall : details of dates gone sideways, hard-won wisdom for newbies wanting to try group dating, and the real depth of the joys I get from this dynamic.