#23: You're slut-shaming without realizing it

"Remember that your worth is tied to your purity. Don't let anyone tarnish your value."

You'd think this was a quote from the Victorian era or modern-day fundamentalists in the U.S., but this gem actually came from my aunt, just last week during our family dinner in Brooklyn.

My cousin was the target of this wisdom, having just told her parents she's planning to bring her partner over for the holidays to meet the family for the first time.

My uncle, not to be outdone, jumped in with his own advice: "You're a high-value person. Every time you let a man touch you, your value goes down."

My parents have said the same words to me not long ago, almost verbatim. I've yelled to them about how harmful this rhetoric is, and have vented to friends about it, who are always shocked by how conservative my family is.

It's interesting that they think this kind of language should be relegated to the dustbin of history, while sometimes saying things that are surprisingly puritanical themselves. Purity culture is surprisingly resilient and manifests in the ways my self-professed progressive peers express themselves, perhaps unknowingly.

In her book "Pure: Inside the Evangelical Movement that Shamed a Generation of Young Women and How I Broke Free," Linda Kay Klein writes about how purity culture spreads the message that any expression of a woman's sexuality could reflect the corruption of her character. This sexual shame is not just confined to evangelical culture—it's spread to our society's subjugation of women as a whole.

It's true that my family is from a different culture and time, and that in my day-to-day life in NY, I'm a lot less likely to hear comparisons of non-virgins to chewed gum. I do find that purity culture manifests in more subtle ways and is often masked by progressive language and ideals.

I experienced a perfect example of this sneaky persistence recently. I set up an anonymous question submission form for this newsletter and shared it on social media, hoping to engage more with my readers. Since I know most of my followers, I expected (perhaps naively) thoughtful queries about non-monogamy and relationship dynamics—topics I frequently write about. While there were indeed some insightful questions (one of which I'll answer at the end of each essay moving forward), I was surprised by the number of crude and invasive inquiries. "Length or girth?" one asked. "Are you worried about STDs?" asked another. My posts cover a wide range of topics related to non-monogamy, from processing jealousy to time management, so this was annoying. A significant number of the anonymous questions fixated solely on the sexual aspects, and usually in the most graphic terms.

It was just a reminder of how deeply ingrained purity culture remains, even in supposedly open-minded circles. The anonymity provided me with a window into the lingering discomfort and judgment surrounding non-traditional relationships and open sexuality.

And it doesn't stop there! I'm thinking about this pattern of how people react to my platonic friendships. Some close friends have told me that when they mention hanging out with my partner Louis and me, their friends (who presumably know about our non-monogamous relationship) immediately jump to salacious conclusions. "Oh, are you having an orgy with them?" they ask. It's happened more than once, with different friend groups, and it's mostly exhausting because the friends who have told us this are monogamous and have never indicated participating in the lifestyle, so their friends are just being immature and salacious. I want to know who these friends are, by the way. If you're reading this and bringing them to my Halloween party next week, tell them to pay double and then we're good 😈.

The anonymity of online questions and assumptions about my social life reveal this persistent undercurrent of both fascination and disapproval. Yes, yes, they hate us 'cause they ain't us, etc., etc., but also this is just evidence of purity culture's lasting impact.

If you've read past posts, you know about the judgmental ways people have responded to learning that I have multiple long-term partners—even those who would consider themselves sex-positive and open-minded.

There are those who view non-monogamous people as "greedy" for having multiple relationships, and those who don't want me alone with someone's partner lest I infect them with my deviant ideas. And then there are the men who forget how to respectfully express sexual interest and just assume I’m going to be into them—just another reminder of how our culture fails to teach people healthy ways to discuss sexuality openly.

These reactions run the gamut and are all over the place but stem from the same root: that sexuality needs to be controlled, contained, and judged. It's just purity culture in a different outfit.

There's an episode of the podcast "Hidden Brain" that explores a similar phenomenon. In the episode "Radically Normal: How Gay Rights Activists Changed the Minds of Their Opponents," they discuss how exposure to diverse relationships and identities changes people's attitudes over time. So I do hope and anticipate that as non-traditional relationships become more normalized, purity culture will have less of a hold on society.

Change is slow, but I hope more people can share their experiences and challenge people's assumptions. Then we can begin to dismantle the lingering effects of a culture that is too ashamed to talk about sex. We could work on creating a culture where sexuality isn't seen as a commodity to be hoarded or a sin to be ashamed of, but as a natural, diverse aspect of human experience. I know sitting down at a family dinner and talking about my non-traditional relationship is a ways away, but I hope in my friendships we can reach a point where everyone truly accepts diverse relationships and sexualities without a side of judgment.

Q: Is the pursuit of pleasure spiritually fulfilling? How does it affect your perspective and sense of meaning?

A: I’m wondering first why you’re associating the pursuit of pleasure with spiritual fulfillment. Maybe it’s because they both can lead to profound experiences? To me, pursuing pleasure is about embracing the many different things that bring me joy. Traveling with friends, biking through the park, starting a new creative project. I’m not sure these things lead to spiritual fulfillment to me, but for the last few years I’ve been able to allow myself to experience pleasure without much judgment or shame and as a result I feel a lot closer to myself and to others. I’m still working on being more present in the moment, but my life feels very rich in diverse experiences and connections—pleasurable and otherwise— and as a result I feel like I’m living a very fulfilling existence. Feel free to send me more context for this question.

1. I’ve now met a few very online and very sad men (usually friend’s brothers) who are consuming incel-adjacent content. This piece adds further context and discusses how men are now bragging about how they’re not horny anymore, and therefore women have less power over them.

2. One of my favorite podcasts right now is Search Engine, and in this episode a rabbi who is a tech ethics expert turned spiritual leader has an interesting take on god that I— an atheist— find really interesting. Fascinating dude.

3. I’ve been enjoying an Apple TV show called Sunny. Rashida Jones plays an American woman living in Japan and finding out that her husband—who just died in a plane crash— may have created robots that are now attacking and killing people.

   

   I just came home from a meal at the new Kellogg’s Diner, the nearly century old diner off the Lorimer L stop that got a revamp from the chef behind Nura, Empellon Cocina, and Roberta’s. My favorite bite was the Texas French Toast with cream cheese whip and fruit jam.

   

   Terrible photo. I didn’t think I’d be adding this here, but here we are.

   I’m playing around with this new format. More text essays than audio posts, and these three new sections at the bottom of each essay. If you’re enjoying it, give this post a like please!