#20: Ask a Hedonist: How did you overcome insecurities in non-monogamous relationships?

Q&A series!

Hey Hedonists,

Trying out an advice column post! I put out a call for questions in #19 and via a form I posted on social, and got a lot of thoughtful questions. While most of them were sincere, there were a few disappointing ones that reduce me nothing more than a nympho. I’m a bit surprised by them because they didn’t come from strangers on the internet but probably people I know. Joke’s on them, they’ll never learn the answers and I hope it haunts them.

As always, would love your feedback on these posts. You can reply directly to this email, leave a comment, or if you know me personally let’s have a conversation.

1. I’m new to non-monogamy and struggling with feelings of inadequacy when my partner is with others who seem ‘better’ than me in some ways. How did you overcome these insecurities?

This thought spiral is so valid, common, and normal. It’s human nature to compare ourselves to others, and when it involves someone your partner is intimately connected with, it can really touch a raw nerve. These feelings of inadequacy usually stem from our deepest insecurities, and they can be so hard to deal with.

These feelings are so familiar to me. My brain will sometimes go a million miles an hour, thinking “What if they’re better at [insert literally anything] than I am?” It’s so exhausting.

For me, the game-changer was a night owl/early bird situation with my partner. I’d be ready to stay in to watch TV and pass out by 10pm, while he’d be ready to go to a show and stay out until the sun rose. It made me feel kinda lame. I thought it was a glaring inadequacy on my part that felt particularly acute since most of our friends prefered late nights too, and he connected with many others who were also quite nocturnal.

So we talked about it, very seriously at that. And we agreed to get creative. I learned to enjoy late nights out, and he discovered the joys of nights in and sleeping early (just sometimes). We didn’t have to fundamentally change who we were. We just learned to stretch ourselves a bit for each other. Also, our friends have slowed down a bit with age, lol. Yay!

I should say that working through differences is easier implemented if you have a stable foundation for your relationship where you trust that you’re both genuinely invested in making the relationship better. I think if that’s missing, then it’s going to feel impossible to really work out these feelings.

A breakthrough for me was realizing that people aren’t really “better” or “worse”— they’re just different flavors of human. My partner can get his late night adrenaline fix with other people, and I’m the person he comes to for meandering philosophical conversations.

Remember that you’re not a swiss army knife expected to fulfill every possible need. You should embrace your own uniqueness, understand you’re irreplaceable, and hopefully you can watch those insecurities start to shrink.

2. My partner and I have different social needs— I’m an extrovert who craves new connections, while they’re more introverted. How can we approach non-monogamy in a way that works for both of us?

I addressed this question a bit in my last answer but to expand further— the extrovert/introvert dynamic in non-monogamy is so real. I think it’s all about finding the sweet spot between compromise and individual expression.

For the extroverts among us, it might mean finding additional outlets for your social energy that don’t necessarily involve romantic connections. For introverts, it might mean setting clear boundaries about social energy expenditure and having plenty of recharge time build into the schedule.

But this question made me think about another question I get often: what do you do when your partner is getting more action than you?

I know what the “correct” answer should be. That it’s not a competition. But I can also say I’ve been there, and it can sting. Our egos are such fragile creatures.

There have been times when one of us has multiple dates lined up and the other’s relationships have all fizzled out. My ego has taken a few hits when I’m the one in the desert period. It’s so human to feel a twinge of jealousy around it. I know it’s easier to say than to internalize that it’s not a competition, but it’s true. Also sometimes I like to protect my peace and intentionally take long breaks from dating, and it wouldn’t matter to me if he was going on dates while I wasn’t. It’s not about everything being equal.

While I’m not usually the one hurting for romantic attention (insert necessarily humble statement here) my partner and I have noticed that because of the way we perform gender norms, he’s often the one initiating and actively pursuing dates and makes things happen. Meanwhile, I’m waiting for the right (read: charming, safe, emotionally available, etc, etc) person to pursue me. I often play a passive role and wait to be pursued. It’s a pattern that’s not easy to break out of. And in our world where monogamy is the norm, people see that I have a partner and assume I’m unavailable. Should I write a whole post about how to date in a mononormative world that doesn’t include saying “hey I’m poly and available!” to every cute person you meet? How do you signal availability without people thinking you’re cheating? How do you navigate the “I have a partner, but…” conversation?

Ultimately, it’s not about keeping score, but about creating a relationship structure that helps you all thrive and grow— even if that growth happens at different paces or in different ways.

3. I’m struggling with compersion. How did you cultivate it, and is it okay if I never full achieve it?

Compersion can be so elusive, and I know it feels like the pinnacle of achievement in non-monogamy. If you’re struggling with it, let me start by saying you’re not the only one, and it’s completely okay.

I wrote about compersion and jealousy in this essay, which you should read for a deeper dive, but let me share some key takeaways here.

Compersion isn’t a switch you can just flip on. For most of us, it’s a gradual process that involves unlearning a lifetime of societal conditioning around love and possession. Remember, we’ve been fed a steady stream of “you complete me” narratives that frame love as inherently exclusive to one person at a time. So it does take understanding that you can really genuinely, love multiple people at once.

For me, I am careful to not view my partner’s other connections as threats, but as opportunities for growth and joy— not just for my partner, but for our relationship as a whole.

A personal example I share in my essay: I felt compersion when my partner went skydiving with another partner. I had zero interest in jumping out of a plane, but I was genuinely happy they could share that novelty and exhilarating experience together. It didn’t at all diminish our bond; if anything, it enhanced it because my partner could pursue all facets of their interests and I did not hold them back in any way.

But also— It’s okay if you never achieve that perfect amount of compersion you see touted among polyam people. Compersion isn’t a requirement for ethical non-monogamy. What’s more important is how you handle those moments when compersion doesn’t come naturally.

In my essay, I talk about treating jealousy not as a toxic force to be purged, but as a signal and teacher. It’s the same for the absence of compersion. When you’re not feeling it, you can ask yourself whether there are unmet needs in your relationship and if there are insecurities you need to address.

I’ve found that usually what looks like a lack of compersion is actually a sign that I’m wanting something more from my own dynamic with my partner.

Also remember you can feel compersion and jealousy at the same time. You might feel genuinely happy for your partner’s joy in one moment, but struggle with insecurity the next. That’s not failure; that’s being human. Life isn’t about erasing all difficult emotions, but learning how to navigate them constructively.

As for how to cultivate compersion— celebrate the joys your partner experiences, and remember that when they have a strong connection with someone else it really doesn’t mean less of an attraction or connection to you. For me, experiencing that excitement and connection with other people is a real time reminder of how much it doesn’t affect how I feel about my partners.

Be patient with yourself, stay curious about your emotions, keep evolving your understanding of love and relationships, and definitely keep those lines of communication open.

4. How do you navigate different levels of openness about your lifestyle with family, friends, and colleagues?

I’ve practiced non-monogamy since my sophomore year in college and have been navigating different levels of openness with people since then. With peers, I’ve generally always been quite open. I remember during my study abroad program, I was dating someone in the study abroad group while also maintaining a relationship with someone back home in New York. When he flew in to visit, he met my local boyfriend and friend group. Some were more accepting than others, but they became my support system, shielding me from judgment from the others.

Over the years I’ve developed a fuller sense of self. While there are a lot of topics in my life I’ve wavered on, I’ve always been certain that non-monogamy is an inherent way of relating for me. I’ve never been interested in some of the traditional relationship escalator stages, and this certainty has been my anchor whenever I’m faced with other people’s judgment.

When it comes to sharing this aspect of my life with other people, I take a matter of fact approach. I don’t usually volunteer this information unless asked, but inevitably when I’m getting to know new people some question will come up where it makes sense for me to shed some light on my relationship structure. I see it as an opportunity to normalize alternative relationship formats. I know for a fact that I’ve shown someone another way of living that they didn’t know was possible and that would make them much happier. I anticipate that sharing this information usually invites questions, and sometimes even suspicion, but I feel fortunate to generally surround myself with open-minded people who are, at the very least, polite to my face.

Many of my colleagues are aware of my non-monogamy, and some even read this newsletter (hi there!) I’m fortunate to work in an environment where people understand that personal choices that don’t harm others shouldn’t be judged. Interestingly, when I speak openly about my relationship structure, it often encourages others to quietly reveal they’re privately living similar lifestyles.

Family dynamics are trickier. Many of my younger family members know about it, and it’s not a big deal at all, as many of them are also not living by societal scripts. My cousins group chat has become a safe haven for understanding, offering support I can’t always find even in some of my friendships.

When it comes to parents, that’s a topic that deserves its own post. Oh wait, I already wrote one. It’s actually my most-read post, which tells me it’s a subject many people are curious about.

Truthfully questions I find questions about whether my parents know quite isolating, especially the surprised reactions I get when I answer. It assumes a closeness with family that not everyone has. I’m managing as best I can, given our cultural differences and generational gaps. I know many of you are trying your best too.

Being open about non-monogamy is a personal choice that depends on individual circumstances. I’m always balancing honesty with sensitivity to other people’s perspectives. I’m trying my best to live authentically.

Some questions I want to answer in upcoming editions include:

Is the pursuit of pleasure spiritually fulfilling? How does it affect your perspective and sense of meaning?

Have you ever had to end a relationship because your philosophies on non-monogamy weren’t compatible? How did you handle it?

I’m coming up on almost one year of this newsletter. Maybe I can publish some special edition posts in September. Send me your ideas, they’re all so great.