#14: A roundup of consensual non-monogamy content
Podcasts, articles, & events
You may have noticed talk of polyamory and open relationships is very much in the zeitgeist. Google searches for “ethical non-monogamy” have increased 250% in 2023-2024 alone. It feels like every week there’s some new book, article, or show dissecting the whole thing. Yet a lot of the commentary, especially from people claiming not to care, has an unmistakable air of gawking.
But amidst all the noise, I've come across some voices discussing polyamory with way more nuance and open-minded curiosity. Instead of reducing it all to self-indulgence, they're examining why this movement towards consensual non-monogamy triggers such visceral cultural responses to begin with. I think there's also an obvious link between reimagining friendship, community, and capitalism that's interconnected with the non-monogamy convo.
I’ve rounded up some of those thoughtful perspectives for you here— articles, podcasts, and events.
Where Have All My Guy Friends Gone?
It's so true that in hetero-normative monogamous relationships, platonic opposite-sex friendships deteriorate once people get married or seriously coupled up. The author writes about how even when it’s not about jealousy, there is an unspoken assumption that your romantic partner should meet all your emotional needs, so friendships get left to fizzle out. It seems particularly acute when it comes to people in hetero relationships. I like how the author frames the importance of having friends of different genders because they provide an "inter-gendered stretching" - you get exposed to different aspects of culture, humor styles, viewpoint clashes and it expands your perspective beyond an echo chamber. Love when monogamous people call out toxic compulsory monogamy norms like that.
Why can’t we stop talking about non monogamy?
This piece was so refreshing when most of the latest batch of polyamory discourse consists of bad-faith critiques and outright mockery. The author traces our modern poly scene back to the utopian communes of the 1960s, who were straight-up trying to reinvent intimacy from the ground up. I appreciate that the author acknowledges that yeah, a lot of our lingo and over processing can get kinda cringe, or morally righteous, or is more about the talking than the doing of sex (lol). But underneath it all, we're rejecting compulsory monogamy's default settings around scarcity, possession and control. We can be more pragmatic about poly's limitations as a revolutionary political force, but it’s nice to work toward expansive ideas around community and intimacy without so much cynicism. This one is written so well— read it!
Lessons From a 20-Person Polycule
How they set boundaries, navigate jealousy, wingman their spouses and foster community.
When this exposé came out in the NYT Magazine about a 20-person "polycule" in Boston, I braced myself for another one of those sensationalized pieces that treats us like zoo animals. As more and more people asked if I had read it, I refused, thinking this is not the sort of representation we want.
So there are talks of “agile scrums” and an assumed understanding of esoteric lingo like polysaturation and compersion that I think many will find off putting off the bat. But the raw honesty around feeling insecure, drawing clear boundaries, and making schedules felt very relatable. There was definitely a lot of nerdy intellectualizing among this polycule but the real value of the article was hearing all the real human admissions of loneliness, jealousy, and the need for true community beyond just coupling up.
At its core, it wasn't about orgies, as fun as those sound, but about the human craving for authentic connection outside rigid norms.
Philosopher Dr. Ellie Anderson's and host Amanda Montell’s perspectives on the Monogamy episode of the Magical Overthinkers podcast was so affirming for those of us exhausted by constantly justifying our humanity to a misinformed, mononormative world. The way she dismantles how religious monopolism warped polyamory from an anthropological ubiquity into something deviant was super impressive. I love her! She brings in examples from pop culture and our current moment in history as well. It’s great for anyone looking for a fuller, decolonized understanding.
Events!! In NYC!!
Solo and Seeking: A Primer for Non-Monogamous Singles
This interactive workshop will guide you through the key considerations for ethically opening up as an unpartnered individual. They’ll cover topics like differentiating the types of non-monogamous relating, developing strategies for dealing with jealousy, and crucial vetting practices to protect against toxic situations. This one is a singles-focused course.
Opening Up: Intro to Non-Monogamy for Couples
This one is for the couples who want a roadmap for transitioning from monogamous to polyamorous relating. In this workshop they’ll talk about deconstructing jealousy triggers and establishing clear boundaries, and seamlessly integrating new connections without jeopardizing your core intimacy. You'll get personalized guidance on navigating crucial logistics like safer-sex practices, scheduling quality time, and setting up communication feedback loops.
It’s pretty strange to be writing about most things on the internet right now given the weight of the world's current events. From the comfort of our homes we’re watching the IDF continue to pillage and bomb the very encampments they told Palestinians to evacuate to, in this horrific war funded largely by our own military aid. And #45, who somehow evaded consequences at every turn, has finally been found GUILTY on all 34 counts in the hush money criminal case. Yet there’s nothing barring him from running for office. It's easy to feel helpless, I know.
There are much better guides on what to do elsewhere online but one thing we can do is boycott - targeted consumer boycotts are convincing retailers worldwide to stop selling products from companies profiting off Israel's crimes. Lots of Israeli exporters are complaining it's getting harder to export their goods. Here's a list of companies the BDS movement recommends not giving your dollars to. You can donate to different BDS campaigns, and otherwise stay informed on the news, and offer community care where you can.
As for this little newsletter, I'm thinking more about how I want to use this space going forward. Maybe some interviews, getting more personal in these stories. I was reading Alicia Kennedy's fantastic food justice newsletter, and loved how she said she doesn't want to sound like one of those shaming vegans, but hopes omnivores feel challenged but not uncomfortable reading her book. Such a beautiful sentiment that I'll try to hold onto too.
I hope you're all having as nice a week as possible right now. Take care of yourselves out there.